I want to live in my imagination

Im angry, but no one will ever know why.

Yesterday, and a tad of tomorrow.

I was in a horrid mood, all day.
It just did not want to leave me!
I think he noticed..

HE LIKES ME, but he loves her
Worst situation ever, he doesn't know what to do, he's torn between decisions.
between me and her.
I think i love him?
I CANT BE THE OTHER GIRL

Everything about this is wrong, but i won't it to be right.
He wants me to ditch my work party so i can see him, i can't bring myself to do it.

I brought home my oil painting, its beautiful.
Everything i wanted it to be and more.
SYDNEY CAMP IS SOON.
There are zero words to describe how excited i am, five full days of fun with art and friends in a place iv'e never been, what more could i ask for?
NOTHING.

Ecstatic about tomorrow night. Work dinner, DRINKS WITH THE WORK GIRLS AFTER.
I need to forget about all the stuff going on around me, and this will do sufficiently.
now all i need is an outfit...


I love the future.

Become an online diary.

Im so sick of looking at this and seeing depressing memos about guys i used to/want to be close to.
So instead, would you like to here about my day?

Today, 
i varnished my oil paint which im so very proud of, it feels good having someone compliment me for something i wanted to throw into a dumpster far more than seven times while creating.
had an inside joke with the boy i can't have, made him laugh, made him want to here me instead of the other way around. still want you to be mine. not important.


found out my sac isn't marked yet, nor my homework graded, i don't care if your busy or forgot, i had to do this shit so you will grade it for me before my 80th birthday.
wore a lab coat and goggles, by far my favourite thing about being a chem nerd.
made a blue/green flame and magnesium oxide without even reading the practical sheet properly. and my lab partner and i out did the smartest girl and her partner in chemistry. my lab partner rules this school
saw my best friend cry and didn't know what to do, how do you fix something you think you started? especially when you don't know what you did wrong

played pirates of the caribbean and a slow tribal song on my saxophone in band.
felt like i was going to pass out from lack of food, even though i had eaten approximately two hours before.
checked my phone bill. dad's going to kill me

decided that i'm going to go on a "facebook diet" its addictive and engulfs my life.

i desperately need to study for my two sac's tomorrow. but my stir fry is much more tempting.

QUOTE OF THE DAY.
Year 12 chemistry student at my school; "have you learnt moles yet?"
Me and the seven other students in my class; "yes"
Year 12 chemistry student; "has your brain exploded yet?"
Me and the seven other students in my class; "yes"

Just realised i'm can't live without someone wanting me.

im PATHETIC.

Your infatuating.

I cannot even describe the way i feel about you.
Your perfect.
But your hers.


Nothing like this has ever happened to me.
I don't chase after guys in relationships.
I'm not even chasing you, your coming straight to me, and i just don't stop you.
I know what we do is wrong, but i cant help it.
I just want to be held in your arms and not worry about people staring or her finding out.


All i want is you to be mine. WHY IS THAT SO WRONG

I need you to give me a sign, tell me what i feel is a dream, that i'm being stupid and delusional, that all the times we have and the things you said we're a lie, that when you held me wrapped your arms around me, that you were thinking of her and not me.
I REMIND YOU OF HER YOU SAID, that made me want to cry, to crawl into a bawl and let the tears roll down my face.

I just want to be your everything.

INFURIATED and MISERABLE

Is it really such a big deal just to want to be held at night, to wake up in the arms of someone we love?
Why can't things always work out for the best, "everything happens for a reason" yeah well you know what, sometimes, the reason sucks.
Nothings the same, i don't have anything to look forward to anymore, i'm just well..walking without a direction.
I feel as though i'm slowly fading away without you. But then i remember..you were never even mine to begin with.
I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE WHEN I SAW YOU WITH HER but i didn't, i just turned and pretended i didn't see you as i walked past with my friends.
Your friends saw the rage on my face, the fury of my steps, the hurt in my eyes.
You were with her the next day, at my work. i hid out the back hoping you wouldn't see me, but hoping you would so much more.
I was at your house the night you broke me into a thousand pieces. You didn't know i was there, i didn't want you too.
I was so full of anger and sorrow. I wanted to cry, but not just tears of hurt. Tears of rage.
I never want to see you again. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Why do you never start the conversation?

I feel as though i annoy my friends with my problems, so i hide them to myself, i need somewhere to let go of my thoughts and emotions, i need someone i know will listen until i cry my eyes out and feel better with everything going on around me, someone who will be there when i need them but wont be breathing down my neck every second of the day.

Or better yet, i just need you.